Before I start this blog I want to make it aware that I do not deem myself as A “dating expert”. These are simply things I changed in my life that have ultimately benefited me and my dating life! If they can impact somebody else why not share about it?!
So, after a lot of prayer and thought I feel confident this blog could help another girl who is dealing with the same things I was dealing with when it came to the opposite sex.
So let me begin. My dating patterns for a majority of my late teens/early twenties were the same. Either I was crazy about a guy who didn’t pay me an ounce of attention or the good guys that DID treat me right were the guys I wasn’t all that interested in. How many of you girls have dealt with similar situations? It’s the age old saying of “we want what we can’t have”. The only thing is I wanted the worst of the worst. I wanted guys who liked the idea of me but never wanted the commitment of a girlfriend. Or guys who had all the same interest as me (sports, humor, fitness, friends, hobbies, lifestyle, etc) but that was it. They didn’t have any of the important things that truly mattered. Like faith, honesty, humility, morals, and beliefs.
Ladies, I know we often say “Oh I want a good Christian man who has good morals and beliefs.” But do we actually pursue that?
I was continually getting frustrated, and you can ask any of my friends. Why did I want all the guys who didn’t want me? And all the guys that did want me, why couldn’t I find A reason to like them? I later learned that this had nothing to do with the guys. It had everything to do with where my heart was. My dating patterns said a lot more about myself and what I was valuing in a man than it did the actual men.
Let’s rewind about 2 months ago. So I’m about to meet up with a mentor/Friend/ women’s pastor from our church for coffee. All morning my heart had been torn because I was really struggling with coming to an understanding of why I can never seem to allow a good man to pursue me. I was being pursued by the right guy but I wasn’t allowing it to go anywhere because something in my heart felt “stuck”.
So I asked her, “Why am I this way? Why do I want the bad guys so much, but disregard the good ones?”
She told me this:
1. Give the good ones a chance
2. Pray for God to change your heart
3. That same thing happened with me and my husband. I never could imagine being with him and now we are married with kids.
Those three reasons alone were enough to make me change my heart.
Q: How do you give the good ones a chance?
A: you let your guard down. You surrender to the fact that maybe…just maybe this ‘good’ guy that you otherwise wouldn’t normally date could be that perfect guy for you. You set aside your own self doubt and lies made by yourself and you give it a chance. You literally have NOTHING to lose. What is the worst thing that could happen? He treats you the way you’re supposed to be treated? EXACTLY.
Q: How do I pray for God to change my
A: If we are all being honest we know exactly which parts of our hearts are less than Christ like. We know exactly which parts of our hearts are suffering from past hurts, past breakups, and insecurities. Pray for those parts. Pray that God transforms them. That he does what only Christ can do and He molds those parts of your heart into something accepting, loving, and open.
- If you’re still suffering from a past breakup – pray for God to heal those wounds and throw away the painful memories so you have room for new memories.
- If you’re still hung up on your toxic ex– pray for God to reveal the truth of that ex to you so that he isn’t seen through rose colored glasses, but rather for who he really was to you.
- If you were abused– pray that God reveals to you the perfect timing for when you are ready to date again. Pray that God provides the resources for you to heal those wounds and that God gives you patience to fully heal before diving into another relationship.
- If you’re scared you may not be good enough for him– pray that God reminds you of His never ending forgiveness. That your sins are being thrown as far as the east is from the west and that in the name of Jesus you can declare yourself as forgiven. Our past does not define who we are. It molds us into who we are to become. You better buhleeeeve it honey! And that guy, if he truly likes you, won’t hold a thing against you. Because we are all human.
So if you’re a young woman and you’re finding yourself in the same dating pattern over and over again think about this:
What is the one constant in all your relationships? YOU.
Grab a notebook and answer these questions:
1.)What are you NOT doing that you should be doing?
For me, I wasn’t praying about the guys I dated. I felt good about it so I went with it. I never presented my relationships to Christ I just assumed “Oh, he is a Christian, surely God will bless the relationship.”
2.) What are you doing that you should not be doing?
Something I did wrong was, diving in too fast. I would get so swept up in a guy that I forgot about everything else. I would let the idea of a guy consume my thoughts and energy.
3.) What qualities are you seeking that you shouldn’t be?
For me I want a guy who is active and makes me laugh. Those are huge qualities I look for in a guy. I was ONLY looking for those qualities though. A funny/fit guy is a dime a dozen. But a funny/fit guy who is relentlessly pursuing you AND Christ is a gem! You gotta hold on to that. Stop looking for the qualities you want in a guy and start looking for qualities you need.
4.) What parts of your past relationships are you still holding on to that you need prayer to overcome?
Without getting in to too much detail I was completely heartbroken by somebody. I never let myself get over it. I harbored feelings of anger, frustration, and confusion for a long time. It wasn’t until I laid it completely in God’s hands that I felt ready to date again. Make sure you are over somebody before dating someone new. Trust me.
5.) Where are you looking?
I was looking for guys EVERYWHERE. Every time I entered a new place, a new group, the church, the grocery store, the gas station. YOU NAME IT! I was on the prowl to find my Prince Charming. And I hate to admit that. The minute I stoped looking I not only found someone super cool and great I also gained a whole lot of confidence in who I was as a woman. I started understanding that God actually DOES have it planned out and I am not in control of who He decides for me.
6.) What are you putting up with?
Here is the biggest one. And listen up ladies.
STOP SETTLING RIGHT NOW. Stop it. Because when you settle for less than the best YOU get hurt. I would rather be single for 10 more years than be miserable with someone who treated me poorly.
-Stop letting guys cancel plans on you.
-Stop pursuing guys and let them be the man and pursue you.
-Stop allowing guys to treat you like you aren’t the queen of his world.
-Stop allowing guys to ghost you and then come back into your life.
-Stop letting guys ignore your calls and texts then say “sorry my phone died.”
-Stop letting him cheat on you! (For the love of God!)
-Stop blaming yourself for the reasons he hurts you.
And most importantly….
-Stop letting him abuse you. Physically, mentally, or emotionally. You are the daughter of the King of Kings NOBODY gets to lay hands on you aggressively. NOBODY gets to tell you that you are not worthy of love. NOBODY gets to rule over your thoughts and actions.
Dang. That got me fired up.
Anyways this is what happens when you stop settling and when you get out of your comfort zone with dating. God shows you something (or someone) wonderful.